Thoughts on @Letters_From_Rahab
This past week my social media, messenger apps, phone, and texts have been buzzing nonstop about an Instagram account sharing anonymous stories of abuse, trauma, and toxicity from the church I attended in college: Covenant Fellowship Church (CFC) in Champaign-Urbana, IL. Multiple credible people who were directly involved in leadership have been commenting and corroborating. Large swaths of the Midwest Asian American Christian community are shaken up. Personally, I’m experiencing a mix of grief, fascination, confusion, soul-searching, horror, pain, uncertainty, and perhaps some catharsis and vindication.
Without the ministry of CFC, there’s a chance I wouldn’t be a professing, practicing Christian today… and I’ve now been in full-time ministry for well over a decade. Between my freshman and sophomore years of college, I committed to faith due in part to people at CFC investing in me and showing me how to love Jesus. I went through confirmation (profession of faith) at CFC and learned to lead and serve in a church. When I was discerning whether I was called to full-time campus ministry with InterVarsity, CFC’s former senior pastor Min Chung laid hands on me in prayer and affirmed my sense of call. ̶I̶’̶v̶e̶ ̶r̶e̶c̶e̶i̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶o̶d̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶f̶a̶i̶t̶h̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶i̶s̶t̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶n̶a̶n̶c̶i̶a̶l̶ ̶s̶u̶p̶p̶o̶r̶t̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶C̶F̶C̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶u̶n̶d̶r̶a̶i̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶a̶r̶y̶ ̶a̶l̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶n̶t̶i̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶.̶ For a time, I received modest but faithful financial support from CFC as a fundraising missionary. Min also helped me through a difficult situation earlier in my ministry career that nearly caused me to quit; he was humble, caring, encouraging, and fair. For all of this, I’m trying to be thankful even in the midst of my grief and disappointment. I very much believe the truth-telling on @Letters_From_Rahab is godly and necessary.
As an undergraduate at Illinois, I was constantly on the fence as to whether I should switch to another church or campus ministry right up until I became a “co-servant” in CFC. I was mostly cynical and critical about the more obviously toxic aspects of CFC culture that I saw such as manipulation, authoritarianism, legalism, misogyny, ethnocentrism, unhealthy social hierarchies, and absurd levels of over-commitment. Back in college, another CFC friend and I excitedly hosted an informal exploratory Bible study together over several weeks with two of our close friends who weren’t Christian and genuinely wanted to learn about Jesus. It was a good experience of deep sharing and exploration that I still cherish to this day. However, we regrettably had to spend more than half of our time together discussing the more objectionable aspects of “CFC Culture” that our friends kept bringing up.
During my full-time work in Asian American ministry and especially when working with Korean American Protestants from the Chicagoland area, I frequently benefited from “CFC cred”: a certain amount of trust and respect because students knew I had served on leadership there. Students elsewhere envied what we had at Illinois, especially those at universities without well-established ministries serving Asian Americans. Thankfully, one of my secondary supervisors saw my reliance on this and challenged me to root my sense of credibility and identity in myself as a child of God rather than in my association with a well-known, “successful,” “hardcore” ministry that some idolized.
I can still say that being part of a ministry with such strong Asian American and Korean American revivalistic influences was a good learning experience. However, I continue having mixed feelings about how I benefited from “CFC cred” and wrestle with how the toxicity affected me and may have influenced me in ongoing ways. Six years ago after moving to Vancouver, I spent time with a therapist familiar with both campus ministry and the Asian North American context. A major area we processed was how I respond to authority and feeling pressured, obligated, attacked, and manipulated.
Throughout my time in campus ministry with InterVarsity in Madison, I became increasingly aware of some toxic tendencies I experienced and absorbed through CFC. Some of these were helpfully called out by new spiritual mentors and peers. Other times, the contrasts were so jarring that I knew I had to reconstruct or reconsider things. As I became aware of these tendencies and dynamics in myself or remembered how they affected me as an undergrad, I worked as hard as I could to prevent, combat, or reduce them in AAIV. Some of this even helpfully formed my philosophy of discipleship as I noticed the gaps between what we say we believe (grace, love) and what we act like we believe (works-righteousness, legalism, fear). But as I read @Letters_from_Rahab, I’m also horrified that I probably perpetuated some of these forms of toxicity and manipulation in my leadership and mentorship of students. For those affected in any way, I am deeply sorry. If you’re willing to reach out to me and let me know ways this happened, I want to listen and personally apologize. But I also know this can be difficult, so please know that I am sorry regardless.
As I gained ministry experience, theological education, and exposure in other ministries and churches, I also became increasingly aware of the unhealthy leadership structures and lack of accountability and abuse prevention at CFC and CFC-like churches elsewhere. I’m grateful that I have experienced healthier, safer, more accountable models of ministry leadership and governance in a national campus ministry, my churches in Madison and Vancouver, and now in my denomination. I also saw more balanced teaching and discipleship that may not have been perfect but was certainly far less prone to toxicity and authoritarianism. I was never close enough to power at CFC or CFC-like churches to speak to it. But part of me wonders if I should have been speaking louder or more forcefully or at least warning more people.
I may eventually write another post unpacking more of the toxicity I experienced and now see laid bare by @Letters_From_Rahab. Perhaps I’ll also include some thoughts on structural and cultural reform as well as abuse prevention at CFC if those are still possibilities and haven’t been posted yet by others.
